note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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