I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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