my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
