we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just found a bag of teeth...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
