I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
