I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
