Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i came on her dog
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
