do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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