I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
