also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I could make wine with my vomit
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
