i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
