There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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