so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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