Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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