you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
