my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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