yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
