I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
