peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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