Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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