Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
