Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
