yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
