Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
