My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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