her vagine was all disorganized.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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