my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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