you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
