i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
