I can tuck mytits in my pants
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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