I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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