I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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