I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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