dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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