I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
