My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
