THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize