All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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