I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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