He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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