I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
