You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize