Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
