I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize