I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
