A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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