I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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