i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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