omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
