I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
