So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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