I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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