My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Welp...herpes.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
