she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
