I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize