I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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