If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
