he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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