I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
