Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
