Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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