Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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