I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
