Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
