this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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