so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
