i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
